Aku mengakui dan menyadari bahwa aku adalah orang yang emosional.
Artinya, aku lebih banyak membiarkan perasaanku ‘berkeliaran sebebasnya’; aku
lebih banyak mempertimbangkan sesuatu atas dasar perasaan dibandingkan dengan
logika kepala dingin. Namun, kesadaran ini baru datang kepadaku baru-baru ini;
sejak usiaku dua puluh tahun. Artinya, selama sembilan belas tahun hidupku, aku
belum pernah merasakan adanya masalah besar dalam hidupku karena emosiku yang
terombang-ambing.
Apa yang membuatku sadar?
Tahun keduaku kuliah, aku mulai berteman dekat dengan
beberapa teman di jurusanku. Mereka orang-orang yang baik; sangat baik. Mereka
mengajakku dalam berbagai hal, dalam urusan kerja kelompok hingga
bersenang-senang dan berpetualang menjelajahi kota Bandung dan sekitarnya. Pertama
kalinya dalam hidupku, aku merasa sangat senang dan bersyukur bahwa dalam
hidupku, ternyata aku juga bisa disayangi orang lain. Bisa ‘dianggap’ sebagai Ninis
yang seru dan asyik; bukan hanya Ninis yang rajin dan ambisius di kelas. Aku
sangat bahagia mengetahui bahwa ada orang lain yang mau melihatku lebih dari sekedar
Ninis yang menjadi tempat meminta catatan kuliah.
Kami bermain, dan jalan-jalan, dan belajar bersama, dan
bermain, dan merencanakan untuk bermain dan jalan-jalan di masa depan.
Here’s where
I started to grow attached to them. To other people, for the very first time in
my life. I attached myself, both physically and emotionally, to them; without
considering whether they like it or not. Whether they feel comfortable with it,
or not.
And then
here’s where everything started to crumble.
I want them
to always want to be with me, so I did things that I thought would make them
stay. Not just staying though – it felt as if I wanted to ‘glue’ them to me. I
want them to feel attached to me, just like how I felt about them. I tried to always
be there for them whenever they needed me, so they would be there for me
anytime I needed them to.
And then, I
learned the hard way that that’s not how actual, real-life relationships work. Turned
out, I couldn’t make them feel as attached to me. After everything I did for
them, they didn’t stay and be there for me anytime; just like what (I thought) I
had done for them. They’re my number one priority and I’m not theirs. Hence, being
an emotional person, my emotion wreaked havoc on me. I got very overwhelmed to
the point I cried almost every week when there was the slightest inconvenience
in our friendship. And even worse, my emotions kept me from telling my friends
about the real reason I was upset.
Here’s what
I learned: you can’t force your place in other people’s lives. They’re entitled
to their own opinion of you, and they’re also have their own rights to limit
the amount of daily interactions they want with you, and to manage how far they
would let you into their lives. It has nothing to do with how much you let them
in into your life. No matter how much you’re willing to be vulnerable in front
of them, it wouldn’t affect them to lower their guards and make them feel comfortable
in when they’re with you.
It took me
two good years to fully realize this. It was not an easy journey – I spent many
nights crying because of the simplest things, like canceled plans and rejected
hangouts, because I felt maybe deep down, they don’t care about me as much as I
care about them. I cried a lot because I thought I was the only one struggling
to keep our friendship alive, while they never cared to because I’m not
important to them. At some point I even got depressed because I thought my life
was so sad; even my friendships are one-sided.
I realized
that I was wrong to expect other people to treat me a certain way; and even
more wrong because I didn’t communicate with them about what I wanted things to
be like. I tried to tell them that I cared about them by my own measurements of
actions I deemed necessary to get the messages to them, but I didn’t realize
that I didn’t know their own ‘versions’ of being a caring friend. They might never
have received my messages, after all.
I now know that
the most effective way to make other people understand you is to communicate to
them. Tell them how you feel, the reason why you’re upset, and the things that
you hope they do for you. I know that this is not the solution to all problems,
but I think most of human’s interpersonal problems are caused by bad
communication.
I sure hope
I had learned from my mistakes.
